One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn on my wellness journey is creating healthy boundaries. As a recovering people pleaser, this has been quite a challenge and is something I am still working on to this day.

​

One of the greatest challenges of creating healthy boundaries, besides the act itself, is not feeling guilty or selfish once you do. People pleasers, like myself, strive to make sure everyone around them is happy, often at their own expense. So setting boundaries brings up fear that people will get angry or reject you. Both of which are scary situations for people pleasers.

​

When you don't have healthy boundaries, you don't prioritize yourself. Putting yourself first is a foreign concept and one that challenges your views and values. When you attempt to create a boundary around something that you feel defines who you are as a person, well, that can bring up a lot of resistance.

​

Creating the boundary is only half the battle. The other part is rewiring your brain to understand that you’re doing things differently. Repeated behaviors, conscious or unconscious, create a pathway in your brain. The more you do the thing, the deeper the groove becomes. So imagine what happens when you have been doing things a certain way for many years and then you decide to change it. 🤯 The old groove is soooo much deeper than the new one. It's easy to slide back into it and it definitely feels more comfortable.

​

Being able to rewire your brain is called neuroplasticity. Your brain does this automatically throughout your life and as a response to different experiences, particularly when you are dealing with an injury or an illness. If we can learn to focus our attention we can rewire these pathways as well. Pretty cool, huh?

​

Deciding to change is the first step, and often the hardest, but being consistent is equally as important. They say it takes about 21 days to create a new habit. So, you decide to create a boundary, you have to be super consistent with it for 21 days, and then you have effectively created a new neural pathway.

​

Sounds easy enough! So why is it so hard for us? And why do we feel so guilty and selfish for setting a healthy boundary?

​

Think of the last time you tried to create a healthy boundary. It felt really good at first, but then doubt crept in and made you start questioning things. This is a real thing and is called unearned guilt. You may have started to fear what other people would think about you because you set this boundary. You think they will judge or reject you. People pleasers would rather take on the stress themselves than see the people they care about bear the burden.

​

Remember why you wanted to set the boundary in the first place. Often it is because you are stressed out and overwhelmed and the things that you value have taken a back seat to everyone else's needs. Maybe you find yourself wishing for your life to be a certain way but there is no time or space for that to happen when everyone else is your priority. You know this is not sustainable and will not help you grow and flourish. When you say yes to everyone else, you are effectively saying no to the things you want.

​

To reiterate, get clear on what you want and write it down. Put reminders everywhere so you remember why you are creating this boundary in the first place. When the guilt comes up don't react to it. Take a moment away from the person or situation to investigate why you are feeling guilty. Remember, it's not your job to make everyone else happy. But it is your job to make yourself happy.

​

As Brene Brown says, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others."

​

I'll leave you with the reminder that it's ok for you to set healthy boundaries on what you allow into your life so you can live a happier, healthier life with less stress, anxiety, and worry. When you learn to stand by your boundaries, even when you’re afraid, you take a huge step toward greater strength and self-confidence. We get to choose what we allow in our lives. You've got this my friends!