Breaking the cycles of stress
I am one of those people who really thrive off of routine but in the last two weeks, I've had the opportunity to change things up which created a break in my routine.
It was my sister-in-law's birthday so we headed off to the mountains for a few days to unwind and enjoy nature. I actually brought my computer with me so I could get some work done but I'm happy to say that I didn't pick it up the whole time I was gone. It was very freeing and a good reminder to take a true break.
One of my goals has been to create a life that I don't need a vacation from. I love coaching and teaching and don't ever feel like I need a break from doing either. But it still feels nice to change up my scenery and allow all my responsibilities to take a back seat. It’s easy to do when you are waking up in the middle of the woods looking out onto the water.
Not a bad view huh?
My life wasn't always like this. I was so sick and stressed out most days that I constantly dreamed about getting a break. Sometimes it didn't matter how that break came, whether it was in the form of a vacation or sometimes if I just got too sick to go anywhere or do anything.
That sounds terrible but that was the life I had created for myself. I didn't understand the concept of rest. Even when I was able to get away I couldn't let go of the stress that I was carrying around. I was so tightly wound that it would often take until the end of the vacation for me to finally feel like I was catching my breath and relaxing.
I was living in a world where what I was doing was never enough. I felt like I was always letting people down if I wasn't constantly taking care of things. But the only person I was actually letting down was myself.
People loved having me work for them or be on their side because I would make their problems my problems. I wouldn't slow down until we had things figured out and solutions were available. But the stress I put myself under to make this happen was slowly killing me.
My sleep suffered as I worried about things that weren't nearly as important as I made them out to be. But every problem that I helped solve or situation I took care of made me feel like I was worthy, that I was good enough, and that I had earned people's love and respect.
I measured my worth by what I could do for other people. And that meant that I was never going to feel whole or worthy unless I was getting shit done for everyone, all the time. It was an impossible situation and I didn't truly understand what I was doing until I began to move away from that way of living.
I began to realize that I was worthy just as I was. It didn't matter how many tasks I accomplished or how many ways I showed up for people, my worth wasn't attached to that.
Now, this is not the easiest task to accomplish because these feelings had been around for a long time. But I knew that if I was ever going to heal myself things were going to have to change. I also had a daughter to think about. I wanted to make sure I wasn't modeling these destructive behaviors for her.
I began to put a small amount of the energy I gave to everyone else toward myself. It started as small pauses in my day. I would go sit outside and do nothing but close my eyes and feel the sun on my face or listen to the wind blowing in the trees. I would go for a walk, pet my dog, read a book, take a bath, or buy myself a cup of coffee. Anything that slowed down my day and helped me be present.
You may be laughing reading this list of things but to me, these felt like huge steps. I rarely if ever took time for me. It felt weird, scary, uncomfortable, and hard. I didn't think I deserved these moments.
Most of the time I gave myself 5 or 10 minutes to pause. I would find that even those small moments made me feel selfish. But there was also that part of me that recognized that I was taking care of myself. I would feel calmer, more relaxed, and less stressed after I did it. Slowly, my body and my mind started to crave those moments. Those 5 or 10 minutes grew in length or frequency and were nonnegotiable for me.
My family noticed the change in me and encouraged me to stay on track. If they saw me slipping into old patterns they would remind me to slow down and take those pauses. There were so many times that Parker and Dave would light candles and run a bath for me on the days I didn't think I had the time or was feeling overwhelmed or stressed. It became a team effort. Suddenly, I was aware that people were caring for me the same way that I cared for them. It made me feel safe, supported, and loved.
These days those pauses are as much a part of my day as brushing my teeth. They have become automated and I don’t have to think about them. It's not unusual for me to stop what I'm doing to go for a walk, meditate, breathe, take a bath, journal, make some tea, or just go sit and get some sun on my face. I've seen the benefits for myself and also for those around me. I can be a better partner, parent, and friend. I am also calmer, more focused, and a lot happier.
I no longer wait until I am stressed out, exhausted, and overwhelmed to take a break because at that point things have gone too far and old patterns have snuck in. While I used to think that taking time for myself was selfish I now see that the opposite is true. When I never took time to fill my cup the people closest to me were the ones who suffered. They didn't get all of me, only what was left over at the end of the day. Most days that wasn't much at all.
There is a quote I remind myself of often. It says, "It is not selfish to refill your own cup so that you can pour into others. It is not just a luxury, it is essential."
If any of this sounds familiar, know that you aren't alone. So many of us feel selfish when we finally take time for ourselves. But it is far from selfish. Taking the first step is hard but once you see and feel the results of those small moments you will be inspired to keep going. I'm here if you need any words of encouragement. 💙