The importance of vulnerability and connection
Last Friday, I attended a funeral for my good friend's mom. It brought a lot of stuff up for me. The thoughts ranged from, when will this be me with my parents, to my mortality, to friendship, and how fortunate I am to have such amazing people in my life.
I am one of those people who doesn't have a ton of friends. I've always been this way, even as a little kid. I prefer to have a handful of people that I am very close to, my inner circle. Maybe it's because I'm introverted, am not a fan of small talk, and prefer intimate connections over big groups.
The people who are in my inner circle are the ones that I share my life with, the highs, lows, and everything in between. They are the people who I will always show up for and I know they will always show up for me.
It got me thinking about how important those connections are in life. I consider myself lucky to have this handful of people that I love so dearly. Not everyone feels this way or has these types of connections. Loneliness is more commonplace than we think.
Surveys show that around 60% of people in the U.S. report feeling lonely on a regular basis. This has definitely been fueled by the Pandemic but also by our reliance on technology.
People don't go out and forge new friendships, which is hard and requires us to be vulnerable. It is a whole heck of a lot easier to pick up our phone and "connect" with people on social media. But that connection doesn't give us the same feeling we get when we are face to face with people we care about and who care about us.
Believe me, I do my fair share of scrolling on social media and have met some amazing people. But the connections I have made virtually will never replace the feeling I get when I hug my friends, share a meal, or go for a walk with them.
And so I put in the work, especially as an adult, to form deep connections with people. It is harder to do this as an adult, but I've found the connections I've made in my 40s have been some of the deepest of my life. I have a clear sense of who I am and what I am looking for in my relationships. I won't settle for the same things I did when I was younger. It requires me to be vulnerable and open in ways that have made me feel uncomfortable.
I'm sure you can relate. Maybe you've tried connecting with someone at work, another parent, or someone you met at yoga. You enjoy their company and want to spend more time with them, but you don't know if they will want to spend more time with you. You want to ask, but you also don't want to be rejected. We've all been there.
No one really likes to be vulnerable, It's hard and scary. But when we make ourselves vulnerable we open up to a world of possibilities. We become more connected to our emotions and create resilience, trust, and intimacy. Plus, being vulnerable helps you learn more about yourself and builds confidence. Even if things don't work out, it gets a little easier to do the next time.
Think about the last time someone was vulnerable with you. It feels good when someone is so open and honest with us. But it is hard to reciprocate that, we tend to freak out and find ourselves holding back.
We don't need to be vulnerable with every single person we meet. But you know when you meet someone who is worthy of learning about who you really are.
That's also the hard part of vulnerability, sometimes you share with people who aren't worthy of knowing you. But that's ok too. Because through it all we learn more about ourselves, we learn how strong we are, how brave we are, and get firmer in our sense of values. Heartache is part of the human experience and while being vulnerable might feel like a weakness, it couldn't be more of the opposite.
Brene Brown studies vulnerability. She says, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.”
It is truly courageous to put yourself out there and be vulnerable with people. Life is too short to get lost in our thoughts and fears of being hurt. There is nothing greater in this world than sharing a connection with people.
As a coach, I'm always encouraging my clients to take that first step toward a new habit. So I'd love to challenge you to do one thing that makes you feel a little vulnerable and increases your connection to another human being this week. It doesn't have to be anything big, in fact, the smaller the task the more likely it is that you will actually do it. It could be anything from calling a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, to telling someone that you love them. You get to choose. If you feel like it, just hit reply to this email and let me know what you're going to do and how it worked out.
Putting ourselves out there is hard, but you will be rewarded 10-fold.