Stop doubting and start believing

A lot of my clients have been in a situation lately where they don't believe they can be the person that they want to be. I wanted to address it today because we all fall into that category from time to time.

What’s so interesting about this is that these people are doing the things that they want to be doing, they are creating the exact habits they set out to achieve. Yet, they still don't believe they are the type of person who does the thing.

You may be wondering how someone can be doing a habit and still not believe they are someone who does that thing. It's an interesting question and exactly what we are going to be diving into today.

Some of you may know my backstory, but for those who don't, here ya go. I am a recovering people pleaser. I spent so much of my time making sure the people around me had everything they needed that I spent absolutely no time worrying about what I needed.

If you are a people pleaser, you know you can only run around taking care of others without taking care of yourself for so long before you burn out, get sick, or feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed. This was exactly what was happening in my life. It was a never-ending cycle of burning out and being exhausted, either getting sick or going on a vacation, only to come back and do the exact same thing.

It was a horrible way to live. I was usually so wound up on vacation that it would take me a whole week just to unwind and then I was right back to the same cycle. Or, if I ended up getting sick, as soon as I felt halfway human I would return to work and the same cycle.

I did this for most of my life. I had no idea there was another way to live. One day, I got so sick of this cycle, I decided there had to be another way. I saw people around me who were not living like this and seemed to enjoy their lives. Most of the time I was wishing for mine to be different. I wanted to stop feeling like I was just surviving and start thriving.

One of the biggest reasons I wanted to change was for my family. They were always getting whatever part of me was left over at the end of the day and that Kathy was usually exhausted, overwhelmed, and had a short fuse. She was not fun or playful because she just didn't have the energy to be.

I wanted to give my family the best of me, not just what was left of me. (I feel like those are lyrics to a song but can't place it 🤔) This was my why, my catalyst for change.

If I wanted things to change, I knew I was going to have to decide to do things differently. If I wanted to have more energy at the end of the day, I was going to have to protect it earlier. This meant I was going to have to start saying no to some of the things people were asking me to do.

I already knew this was going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was the "yes" girl. People knew they could count on me. I was scared not to be this person anymore because I wasn't sure how other people would react. This included me because my identity was wrapped up in being someone who always helped other people out.

The first time I had to say no I could barely get the words out of my mouth. I followed it up with a long explanation of why I couldn't do it and apologized profusely. My hands and voice were shaking the entire time and I was sweating. In my head, I kept reminding myself why I wanted to say no. My why helped me stay strong even through all of the sweating and shaking.

While the person that I said no to was surprised, they respected my boundary. Even though it was incredibly hard at the moment, I felt so good when I walked away. I was beginning to protect my energy so I could have the life I wanted. And I was finally listening to that voice inside me that had been telling me to do things differently.

I continued to say no to people and projects that didn't align with what I wanted out of my life. It got easier and easier because I could see and feel the results of my actions. I had more energy and wasn't constantly burnt out. I was able to spend quality time with my family and I started to have fun. It felt great!

Even though I was changing and setting boundaries, I still didn't believe I was a boundary setter. I would talk about setting boundaries, see other people doing it, and wish I could be like them. In my mind, the boundaries I was setting were so small they didn't feel like "real" boundaries. I didn't see or understand that was the person I was wishing to be. I hadn't built the confidence that I could be this new person.

One day a friend of mine was having trouble setting boundaries at work. She said, "I wish I was more like you and could set a clear boundary with people." I was shocked. I still didn't see myself that way. I took inventory of where I was in life and I could see that she was right.

With my friend's help, I slowly started to see myself as someone who sets boundaries and is clear about what they want from life. That was when I started to believe I was that kind of person. My continued repetitions in boundary setting helped to strengthen my confidence.

Often we can't see the small changes we've made and how they've compounded over time, we can't see the forest for the trees. Maybe it's because we identify ourselves as being a certain kind of person and it is hard to break with that identity. Or maybe, it's because we have failed at something in the past, making us feel vulnerable to think we can do what we want.

But here's the thing, if you want to create a habit or routine, one of the biggest gauges of success is whether or not you believe you are that kind of person. When you see yourself as someone who does the habit you want in your life, you will make choices that align with that. Let's say you want to start exercising more, if you see yourself as someone who exercises, you will make choices that align with that. You will take the stairs instead of the elevator and go for a walk instead of sitting on the couch because those choices align with who you see yourself as.

Just like me, my clients couldn't see themselves as people who do the habits they are doing. All they needed was someone to remind them. They didn't believe it because they couldn't or weren't ready to see it. Sometimes all it takes is an outside perspective to remind us we are doing what we set out to do.

Whew! That was a long one! If you've read this far, thank you! Helping people create new habits and routines is near and dear to my heart. I am super passionate about it and love talking about it, so thank you for bearing with me.

If this story resonated with you and you are ready to change, click the button below to set up a discovery call. No strings attached! Just a call to see if we’re a good fit!